I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
