i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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