My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
