I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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