Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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