Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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