i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
