just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
