nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
