He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
