If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
