It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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