You smell like stripper and shame
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
