At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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