I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
