Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
