after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
