Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
