can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
this beer tastes like vomit already
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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