turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
