I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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