I accidentally had phone sex last night
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
