I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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