Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
