I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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