i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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