glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Rumble strips road head = magical
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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