your parents love me but you hate me
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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