You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
