Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
