I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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