i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
