there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
