mondays should just be called national damage control day
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
