someone threw a dead crab at me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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