He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
