I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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