Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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