all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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