ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
