Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
