Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
