I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
