i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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