I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
