I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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