I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
