this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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