i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I want a musical about memes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
