dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
