I think I just saw someone hide a body.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
