Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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